Lately I’ve been having trouble finding anything to keep my focus. My interest. I can’t concentrate on music or find anything that keeps my attention. I can’t find anything to read that makes me the least bit excited. Even focussing at work has become a challenge. I don’t love anything. It’s like I’m numb. Like I’m walking around in this trance watching everyone else around me live their lives and do wonderful things and I just can’t find that. I don’t even write anymore. Okay, so technically this is writing, but what I mean is anything creative. I don’t write poetry or stories. I don’t jot things down like I used to or doodle. Nothing inspires me or makes me feel anything. I’m just numb. I want to do something that will mean something to someone. Anyone. I want to create something beautiful again. And I just don’t have it in me. I ache all over to feel something other than sadness, loneliness, or boredom. I just want to feel like I’m doing something right. Like I’m in the place I’m meant to be in my life. But I don’t. I just feel like I’m stuck in a monotonous limbo. Bed, tv, work. Every single day. I want to be around people who make me feel alive again. Not boring. I want to do crazy stupid things and not worry about money. Everything is all about money these days. I just want to be back in that place where I was blissfully happy and relaxed. I was there less than a month ago. I just need to find that again.

I understand sadness. Currently I’m sad to be leaving Ottawa. I’m going to miss my family, and my friends, and the amazing boy I’m sort of seeing, but I’m only going to miss them for 98 days. It’s not like I will never see them again. Maybe it’s the fear of change that’s putting me down. But I won’t be sad forever.
I can’t fathom the idea of someone not being there ever again. Of never seeing somebody ever again. I can’t understand the idea of having that much sadness bearing down on your life.
I was sitting in the car today with my aunt and uncle who were talking about this car accident in which someone had lost control of their vehicle and collided with the side of a van which proceeded to roll into the intersection and a four-year-old boy ended up dying. This is the kind of tragedy I’m talking about. I can’t imagine waking up one morning and knowing that, say, God forbid, my brother or cousin (hypothetically) had died. I can’t understand the idea of the sadness I would feel or the person who was driving that van would feel. I just don’t get it.
I’ve known sadness. My grandfather died when I was 16 and it was horrible, but at the same time, I never really knew him that well. I had seen him maybe 5 times in my life and had spoken to him on the phone often, and I had known him enough to love him and to feel his loss, but it didn’t feel like tragedy. It just felt like loss.
I can’t fathom tragedy. And honestly I dont think I ever want too.

please ignore all of my spelling mistakes in the previous post. I am drunk

Stephanie nichols is one of the coolest girls i know. She has beautiful hair, a beautiful smile, and unreal hair. There is noone better in this world then her. I wish that everyone in the world was blessed with her beauty and presence. If you knew Stephanie, you would understand my true passion for her. The fact that we are together 24 hours a day, even though we are not room-mates does not anymore. I want to do everything in the world for Steph, including bringing her water when she is thirsty and making her supper every day. 

I am such good friends with Stephanie that I am going to stop spelling her name with an F, and spell it the correct way.. the way god intended: STEPH. Speaking of god, Stephanie is a gift sent hear from the heavens. I praise the ground that steph walks on. 

For those wondering, Stephanie did not write this. I DID. BECAUSE I LOVE STEPH.
ps. Stephanie is cooler then cassie 
pss. Cats rule, mojo ratface drools. 

I haven’t really posted in the last two weeks but I have been busy. And extremely, insanely, crazily happy. 

Basically, life has been pretty good. Which is a little bit weird since I’m coming closer and closer to the day they tell me my journalism career is over. 

But other than school, things are very good. Better than they have been in a very long time. Finally everything is just falling into place. 

School will be out in a matter of 33 days and all my work is slowing down right before it speeds right back up again for exams. The weather is BEAUTIFUL. It’s probably the end of the world, but HEY! Who cares? Because at least we will all be tanned and happy when it does. Also, this beautiful weather has made me look like a giant lobster. And I still couldn’t care less (though sometimes my skin really freakin hurts) but I have been sopping up vitamin D like a dry sponge! It’s wonderful! 

To top all that off, I get to go home soon and start working. And I have discovered that I may be travelling the Maritimes all summer with this new job. Which, while it’s still a job, is extremely fun.

I also cannot wait to get back to my fam jam and be the mediator once again. Hang out with my mama a bit, and maybe try to make some new friends. 

Now for the kicker of all this happiness and excitement (and this is probably the biggest part of the whole happiness thing): I have met a very nice boy. And I’m pretty sure he likes me. Maybe blogging about this is cheesy, so sue me. I just needed to let it out. So now it’s out there. 

Anyways, I just hope people are as happy as I am, because it’s great. It’s the best feeling in the world; that feeling you get like nothing will ever get you down. You should try it some time. Just love life. Wake up early and stay up late; enjoy mornings and not just nights. Play some music with the windows open. Our campus is so alive right now! I can constantly hear people yelling and listening to music and just having a good time. It’s nice to hear. It’s a good vibe :) 

Lately I feel like I don’t really belong. 

There’s a lot that I’m very interested that nobody I know is interested. I know people like to make jokes about how strange I am because of it and usually I just laugh it off, but lately, it’s been getting to me. I just don’t fit in. Nobody understands the things that I like or why I like them and they don’t really try too. I tend to be pretty open minded about things, and sure, sometimes I complain about others’ likes being odd, but at least I let people live their lives. 

It just sucks feeling like an outsider and feeling like I can’t talk to people about anything. I’m doing very different things with my life than all my friends and I don’t know how to fit in anymore. 

I love the girls in my dorm and my high school friends, but I don’t feel like they always get what I’m trying to say and they don’t like the same things I do. For instance, the girls in my dorm and I have none of the same musical interests; they all like country, whereas I hate it. And none of them watch the same tv shows I do or movies and they all have similar personalities and I’m quiet compared to them. Our home lives are completely different; I have a mixed family with younger siblings and they all have traditional families with older brothers. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish there was someone I could talk to about music, or English, or books. Anything. 

acronin23:

Haley going to see the body (Haley’s monologue)

Nathan is not dead

Skills is back and thinks Lauren is having his baby

Realizing the babies father is David as in Quinn’s Ex David

Haley going to the cop not knowing he is bad

Every time Xavier is around

Clay making the big break through

Logan is Clay’s son!

Chase beating Chuck’s dad

In all